I am exactly 39 weeks pregnant today and my baby could arrive any minute now. I had thought I would be feeling much more frightened by the coming delivery. I had expected sleepless nights and fearful last days. I didn’t have to do any affirmations, tricks of the mind, positive thinking or whatever, to get myself in a good mindset about the coming birth.
And so I’ve been asking myself: “Why am I not afraid?”
Quite the opposite – I’ve been enjoying the last weeks of carefree life to the fullest trying to savour the taste of complete freedom, of lazying around in bed with Delyan as much as we want without feeling nervous and expecting the baby to wake up crying every moment. Is it because I’ve become so wise and I’ve accepted that labour pain is only physical and will not last long? I honestly don’t think so.
I think that deep down in myself I am more afraid of something bigger, something much more life-changing than labour pain and this something has pushed aside the fear of giving birth.
Am I terribly scared that the physical wounds of bearing a child will heal, but becoming a mother will leave me forever vulnerable?
I look at my carefully manicured nails and business dresses hanging in the wardrobe and my body shivers…No matter how important career and personal development is for me, and how hard I try to balance them with being a mother, I will most likely be professionally derailed by motherhood, that no matter how important my life seems now, it will be of less value to me once I have a child. I am not twenty, I can well imagine how having a child will change my life and the responsibility that comes with this decision.
I am sure that once a woman decides to become a mother and has children, she would never go back and question her choice, let alone be sorry about going this way. But it is only natural to fear that your life will never be the same. It might be more wonderful in many ways but it will never be the same!
And on the eve of my boy’s birth I would like to do the following promise to him and myself:
“I promise to be the best example I can be for you, to love myself (at least almost) as much as I love you, so that you can learn to do the same. I promise to help you be you, from the moment you’re no longer part of me. And yet, in some way that I can’t fully understand yet, I know you will always be part of me. And I am grateful for all you have to teach me. I am ready to accept you in my life!”